just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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