I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
