she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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