My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
