He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
