Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
