just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
