He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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