I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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