I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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