i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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