Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
