Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
