god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
