i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize