theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
