i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
