I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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