Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
