you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
