filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
