as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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