If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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