in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
