just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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