I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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