and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
