Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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