Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
