When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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