i think my tv is drunk
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
