Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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