my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
