Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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