i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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