I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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