How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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