jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
