I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
