please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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