I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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