The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
