He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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