You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
