I met the friendliest cop last night
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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