i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
