I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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