They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
