Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize