you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
