Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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