someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
