My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
