I am puke
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
