just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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