if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She has the best kind of daddy issues
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
