dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
