Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
