I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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