If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
